I Won't
by Hart2003
Summary: Dealing with the loss of a loved one is one of the biggest emotional challenges. Sometimes it's too much for someone. Follow up to Our Future. T- for language and suicide(later) Warning: sucide, depression
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Before I start anything, there needs to be a serious(ish) talk. This series (it's probably going to only be a few chapters) is going to deal with depression, death, and suicide. Please, if you are depressed, if you self-harm yourself (i don't really know any better way to put that), if you want to commit suicide/have suicidal thoughs,** ** _please_** **talk to someone. In each chapter I'm going to be putting a reddit link to a bunch of suicide hotlines for a bunch of different countries and the US suicide hotline. I don't care who you talk to, please, talk to someone. Hell, you can talk** **to me, I would absolutely listen, you could message me through this. Just talk to someone. There is always someone who cares, it may be someone you'de least expect.**

 **U.S. Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255**

 **Other Hotlines:** **r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines**

 **A/N** **: So real quick before I start, this is a follow up to the one-shot "Our Future." And once again, thank you so much to Taylor. We were both crying over this, it was killing us.**

* * *

The kiss hurt.

The silence hurt more.

"I won't."

Her words hurt the most.

I saw the life leave her caramel colored eyes. The glint I love so much just left- vanished. I would never see how they crinkle when she laughs ever again.

Her lips were parted slightly. The lips that once smirked mischievously at me. The lips that let out a melodic laugh whenever I would tell a pun, no matter how bad it was.

Her nose rested on her face. It would no longer let out a large, short breath whenever she read something funny in a book. It would never crinkle the way it did when I tickled her in one of our legendary tickle wars.

I couldn't take the glossed, lifeless gaze. I looked away and gently pushed her eyelids over her eyes with my dirty fingers.

I looked at her whole face. I noticed how her tears had carried some of the dirt off her face, now in its pace was tear streams. She looked at peace.

Maybe it was painless.

No, it defiantly wasn't painless.

I cradled her in my arms.

We sat like that for a long while before I heard footsteps.

"GUYS! WE'RE HERE! WE HAVE THE-"

"It's too late..." My voice was hoarse and weak, barely above a whisper.

Finn and Maybeck stopped, "What?" Finn gawked.

Maybeck walked over to Willa and me, "Oh my god...is-is she-?"

"YES SHE'S DEAD. YOU ALL TOOK YOUR SWEET ASS TIME. SHE'S GONE, DEAD. DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?"

Maybeck clenched in jaw and turned away. He banged a lamppost with his hands. He yelled a word Aunt Jelly wouldn't be too pleased with.

Finn stood there. It was almost as if he was in a different world. He opened his mouth several times as if he was going to say something.

I was flaming. She would be alive if it weren't for them. I was done with tonight. I was done with everything.

Finn finally spoke, "We-we should return, you're not in that good of shape yourself, Philby." Tears were streaming down his face, Maybeck was walking back and forth, contemplating, I'd assume.

I hadn't even took in my own condition, I was so caught up in Willa's.

My clothes were tattered. I was crying hysterically. There was most likely a nasty gash on my left cheek. There were bruises all over, making my whole body ache.

I put that aside, "What are we going to do about her. She died."

Finn, wiped away his own tears, "I guess- as bad as this sounds -leave her? Return her, but, wait. Someone will find her, her parents, most likely." Finn winced at his words, "Oh god, this is horrible."

Maybeck huffed, "Just return us. However this may turn out is out of our hands."

I looked down at Willa's corpse. Barely audible to myself, I whispered, "I love you, doll."

Finn pressed the button, separating us for the last time.

* * *

I peeled off my bloodied shirt. It clung to my sore skin.

I couldn't feel anything, pain, warmth, emotion.

I was numb.

The blood soaked shirt hit the floor with a splat.

I looked in the mirror. As of then, I stood in only my boxers.

My ribs were bruised, as well as my right shoulder. I was a few shades paler than usual, maybe from crying, maybe from blood loss. There was a nasty gash on my left cheek that would scar if I don't tend to it soon.

I opened the medicine cabinet over the toilet.

I grabbed a gauze, hydrogen peroxide, medical tape, and Neosporin. (Thanks for being so nervous about injuries, mum.)

I picked up a hand towel and held it under my cut. I poured hydrogen peroxide on the gas. It stung a little, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside.

I took the gauze and applied a healthy amount of Neosporin onto it. I slapped it on my cheek and held it there as I ripped some medical tape off the roll. Quickly, I put a piece of tape on just to hold the gauze in place as I ripped off more pieces from the roll.

After putting away anything left over, I grabbed the NyQuil from the top shelf. Mum and dad used to keep this on the top shelf so I wouldn't get it. Well, guess who's 6'0 now, bitches.

I cracked open the bottle and eyed the measurements. I didn't need it to be exact, I just needed it to be enough to knock me out- there's no way I would fall asleep without drugs.

I downed the cap and shuddered. Why does medicine have to taste like Hell?

I lazily threw the NyQuil back in its place and shut the cabinet doors.

* * *

I lay in bed and thought about the past events.

Willa's last words rang through my head.

 _"We would grow old together. We'd probably be the old couple that somehow stayed together for just about forever. Maybe then, just maybe, in the slimmest chance, would I let you leave me. You know what? No. I'm never letting you leave me. Ever. You hear me? Never. Not. Ever. Don't you-Don't you ever forget that."_

 _"I won't."_

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter was a total bitch to write. Not even to write. Just because I'm lazy, I don't want to go on my computer to put in Italics, bold, line breaks. (I write the chapter in messages so that me and Taylor can edit it and critic it with ease, then i copy and paste it here, in safari on my phone, and do the rest.) It's always a bit bitchy becuase I'm on my phone, but for some reason it was ridiculous today. I would scroll upLET'S TYPE IN RANDOM PLACESi would try to put in a line breakLET'S PUT THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR A/Ni would try and select a part to be in italicsLET'S DESELCT THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You see what I'm saying? It's giving me 5x the normal trouble it usually does. Anyways, leave a review, like, follow, whatever you do on the site. I love you, bye.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Before I start anything, there needs to be a serious(ish) talk. This series (it's probably going to only be a few chapters) is going to deal with depression, death, and suicide. Please, if you are depressed, if you self-harm yourself (i don't really know any better way to put that), if you want to commit suicide/have suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone. In each chapter I'm going to be putting a reddit link to a bunch of suicide hotlines for a bunch of different countries and the US suicide hotline. I don't care who you talk to, please, talk to someone. Hell, you can talk to me, I would absolutely listen, you could message me through this. Just talk to someone. There is always someone who cares, it may be someone you would least expect.**

 **U.S. Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255**

 **Other Hotlines: r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines (for some reason this link doesn't work and whenever I enter it, it just does this. If you enter this into Google, it will be the first thing that pops up.)**

 **A/N: I've been sick. That's actually a lie, I've only been sick for like four days since Easter. Before then I was trying to write a chapter, then I forgot about it, and I forgot to save it, and yeah. Now I'm here. I'm also working on another fic for the Camp NaNoWriMo April event. So that's pretty much my excuse for being dead. Goodbye.**

"Dell," my mother shook me awake. "Dell, honey, what happened last night?"

I didn't bother answering, I would just break down.

My mum took notice of my sudden silence and sighed. "Dell, please tell me what happened. You're worrying me."

 _Well we all split up into groups, Willa and I were paired together. All of a sudden we got ambushed and got hurt. She was more messed up than I was. She was loosing a lot of blood. I sat her down on my lap and we started talking about what would have been our future. Going to college, getting engaged, marriage, having kids, growing old together. And-_

"She...she died. Right in my arms," my voice was hoarse, hardly above a whisper.

Mum gasped, clearly in awe, she knew who I was talking about. She knew that I was going to be an empty shell of my previous self. She knew that she needed to monitor me. She knew I was broken.

Mum wrapped two arms around me. I sobbed, not the Disney Princess flop-onto-the-nearest-object-and-cry-really-gracefully, I was full on sobbing.

With the occasional, "It'll be okay," or, "We're here for you," I finally pulled myself together. My mum looked down at me, "Do you want to go downstairs?" I nodded and wrapped the blankets on my half-naked self.

We made our way down the stairs to where my father was making breakfast. "Morning," his thick British accent boomed through the house, "How you feel-" He stopped short when he saw me.

He opened his mouth, but Mum quickly cut him off, "What are you making? It smells good."

My father seemed to have gotten the message because he didn't ask about me, "Pancakes and bacon."

I walked away from my mother and plopped myself onto the couch with a sigh. I heard my parents talking in hushed tones in the kitchen. Grabbing the remote, I turned on the TV. _Once, eh...Glee, no...Why is there never anything good on in the morning?_ I finally settled for the News.

 _"...Man gone insane, killing wife and two children...Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is being smashed by critics…"_

I was always a Marvel fan anyways.

After a while I started to zone out. My parents sat next to me on the couch at some point. The put a plate of food on the coffee table in front of me, I didn't bother touching it. Last night's events were consuming my mind.

 _"-Breaking news! Disney DHI Isabella Angelo was found dead last night." I gripped the remote as my parents went searching for it to change the channel, "Police say her parents found her dead at about 1AM laying in her bed. It's a mystery on how she died. There is no signs of anyone coming or leaving her room, not any way of her doing it to herself. At the moment, Disney has no comment."_

I huffed and dropped the remote on the coffee table, "Mystery my ass…" I made my way to my room. Once there, I flopped face down on my bed.

 _This is all my fault. I should have been looking out. She's dead because of me. Her smile, her laugh, her bravery, gone, never to return again._

I sat there for a good couple hours (ten minutes) before I heard a knock on my door. I didn't respond. I only wiped away my tears and hoped I looked presentable.

My father sat beside me on the bed, "Dell, it's going to be okay," he reassured me.

I looked at him, tears brimming my once-lifeful eyes, "But what if it's not?"

* * *

 **A/N: So this is a little short. I really don't feel like writing a lot because I have to write another 1,200 words for something else and I'm a mess. Please leave a review, you guys are the sweetest, your comments make my day. Love ya', bye.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just about say this for each chapter. I love you all, you guys are the sweetest. If you're going through depression, if you struggle through self-hating,** _ **please**_ **talk to someone. You can always message me, I would never turn any of you guys down. Here are some hotlines:**

 **U.S. Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255**

 **Other Hotlines: r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines (for some reason this link doesn't work and whenever I enter it, it just does this. If you enter this into Google, it will be the first thing that pops up.)**

 **A/N (part two): I've been dead for a while, I know. My mother was recently diagnosed with cancer, so I've just not been in the mood to write that much(when I say recent, this A/N was written in** _**APRIL)**_ **. I've been spending a lot of time with her and my family. But** _ **anyways**_ **I'm alive, and here's the story's next chapter (what is this story called again I'm writing in Google Docs and I'm** _ **real**_ **confused).**

 **A/N: Part three. I'm not dead guys. I just got another tumblr blog. I write fanfic on the other tumblr blog, so I've shifted gears to that. I've been focused on getting the requests up in a timely manner, so I forgot about you guys. Sorry.**

* * *

I looked into the mirror. I was wearing a full black suit and tie. My hair was combed half-heartedly, the effort being too much.

There was a slight knock on my door, "Dell, it's time to go, are you ready?" My mother asked gently.

I licked my lips, "Yeah, one second."

I took one last look in the mirror. My bloodshot eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I was a mess.

I opened the door and looked at my mother, smiling solemnly, "Let's go."

* * *

The funeral was two weeks ago. It was a mix of half-hearted condolences from Imagineers, tears from me, and being comforted by the others. It was a closed casket, I guess she was too mangled for them to be comfortable with an open casket.

I walked to the tombstone, flowers in hand. They were crocuses, purple and white, they always were Willa's favorite.

I set the bouquet in front of the gravestone and sat in front of it. "Hi…" I laughed sadly. "I don't know if you can here me. But I want to talk."

"I miss you, _so bad._ It should have been me. It's my fault, I couldn't protect you. An-And now you're gone. You were my life, doll. And you're gone. God," I gulped, "How could I have let this happen? There's so many things we were going to do together. I-I was planning us a trip to Hawaii for your birthday. You had so much potential, love. You're smart, caring, kind, courageous, so much more than I ever was. I'm just a self-absorbed brat." A cough erupted from my throat, "We're all a mess. Amanda and Jess locked themselves in their rooms for a while. Charlene and Maybeck are too heartbroken to go on dates anymore. They said that they're just 'taking a break.' Finn asked Wayne to pull the DHI program. Disney's actually considering it."

My shoulders sagged. "It's been so hard, love. I can't do this, not without you."

* * *

"Dell, Your friends are here. They want to speak to you," My mother called.

I sighed and sat up, "One moment." I dragged myself up from my bed and looked in the mirror. I looked like a walking garbage can. My hair was tousled and unbrushed. I was wearing the same pair of pyjamas that I was a week ago. I sighed and slipped on some slippers.

I walked up to where my mother was standing, at the door, talking. "Oh, Terry, Dell's been-"

"-a complete mess. Mum, they get the idea."

My mother whirled around, " _Oh!_ Dell, I didn't see you there."

"Not a surprise," I said coldly, "I was _behind_ you."

My mother placed a hand on my shoulder, "Yes, well, I'll be leaving you all alone." She quickly walked off to the living room, glancing over her shoulders every two steps.

I sighed and turned back to everyone. "So," I said, "What do you want?"

Jess shoved her way in front of Maybeck. She took a step inside and put a comforting hand on my arm. "We wanted to see you. I know it's been a rough few weeks, but that doesn't mean that we're not here for you. How about we all go to the Frozen Marble, you know, like we all used to."

I clenched my jaw. Jess's gray eyes bore into mine. There was a mix of grief and pity buried behind her calm facade.

"Uh," I said quietly. I peeked past Jess to see the rest of the crew staring at us with high hopes. "Sure...let me just get dressed."

* * *

I mindlessly shoved a spoonful of vanilla ice cream into my mouth. Everyone burst out laughing around me. My head shot up and I looked around.

Maybeck sat next to me with a grin plastered on his face. It was evident that he was the one that caused everyone to practically choke on their sweet treats.

I frowned. How could everyone be so lighthearted after everything that happened? Nobody has yet to _address_ Willa the entire time we've been here. And yet they just sit there, laughing their asses off as I struggle, clearly the only one who truly understood our situation.

I got up from my seat and grabbed my hoodie, throwing it over my shoulder. "I'm gonna go," I muttered.

Maybeck grabbed my shoulder. He gently yanked me back. "What's wrong?" He asked. His face was littered with worry.

I shrugged his hand off of my shoulder. "Nothin', I'm just...tired…" I lied.

Amanda scoffed from across the table. She was sitting next to Finn, they were sharing a giant chocolate sunday. "Can you just put aside your whining for five minutes? We're trying to forget what happened and have a good time. But clearly that _can't_ happen."

Everyone went silent. Jess leaned over to slap her sister.

I nodded slowly. I threw the hoodie on and walked away from my silent group of friends, into the rain.

* * *

"So, how was it, honey?"

I shoved past my mom and marched to my room. I slammed the door once I got inside and yanked off my soaked hoodie. I threw it on my bed and pulled out my phone.

Tons of texts messages littered my screen from the crew.

' _Philby, I'm so sorry.'_

' _She didn't mean it.'_

' _Come back.'_

' _Can we talk?'_

I put my phone on do not disturb and placed it on my bed.

I stripped of my shirt, leaving myself in only a pair of gym shorts. I took a deep breath and sat on my bed. My hands tangled themselves in my wild hair.

I sat there, on my bed. I let my emotions control me. Tears streamed down my red, blotchy face. It was too much. Whatever I did reminded me of Willa. The guilt was tearing me apart. I could have saved her, the love of my life.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Dell, are you okay?"

My head perked up, and I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I'm fine."


End file.
